Harry Potter & The Rise Of Fart Girl
by RhoswenDunbane
Summary: Hermione accidentally eats pot brownies and ends up with the munchies....


Harry Potter & The Rise Of Fart Girl

DISCLAIMER: AS IS PROBABLY OBVIOUS, I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONG TO J.K. ROWLING. SHE IS A GENIUS, UNLIKE ME, AND I WOULD RATHER WRITE AMUSING STORIES BASED ON THESE CHARACTERS WITHOUT BEING SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. I MEAN NO HARM BY THIS STORY… JUST A LITTLE BIT OF FUN. THANKS!

Part One

Hermione Granger was bored. She was so bored she contemplated actually partaking in a game of wizard's chess. Yet she didn't want to compromise her reputation as a stolid bookworm by doing so, so she avoided the Gryffindor common room with a vengeance and proceeded to the girls' dormitory.

Lying on her bed, she spread all of her (scrupulously finished and polished) homework before her, and commenced to re-reading and editing it all. She had done this three times before realizing she really didn't want to do it again. Dropping off to sleep, she dreamt only of wackspirts.

Waking in a frenzy of weirdness, she saw a little box someone had placed at the end of her bed. There was a little note attached. "Good job on the OWLS last week. Here's some brownies. Ron."

Getting a look on her face that could only be described as suspicious, she sniffed the brownies. They seemed perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable, but these coming from the younger brother of George and Fred Weasley, the Prankster Twins Extraordinaire, she had a right to wonder whether they were tainted with some experimental Wizard Wheeze.

Hermione figured at that point that it was most likely safe to eat these brownies. So she took one and gingerly took a bite. To her surprise, they were delicious. She wondered if Ron had made them himself, but she severely doubted this. They were so good that she ended up snarfing down the entire box of brownies, crumbs and all. She stowed the shiny blue box under her bed and crashed back to digest.

Part Two

Ronald Weasley was in the boys' dormitory at Gryffindor House, lying on his bed, laughing so hard he could not speak. Harry Potter regarded him suspiciously, green eyes glinting beneath his fixed-too-many-times glasses.

"Ron," he said. "Do you want to tell me what's so bloody funny?"

"Hermione – brownies – pot – high!" Ron choked.

"What?" Harry asked, confused. Then it dawned on him, and he couldn't have been more furious.

"Ron, are you serious? You put marijuana in those brownies for Hermione?" he said incredulously.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Ron, that's not funny, mate, that's not funny at all. How did you even know what Muggles use marijuana for in the first place?"

"Dad told me."

"Of bloody course," Harry grumbled. "Well, leave me out of this, do you hear me? I don't want to be associated with an illegal drug being put in something that one of my best friends will have eaten."

"You've got to admit, mate, it's bloody funny," Ron said. "Think of our always-strict-on-the-rules Hermione getting baked to the point of hilarity."

"I'm not going to be part of this… I'm going to go talk to Ginny." Harry walked away, disgust registering on his face.

Part Three

Hermione was feeling very strange indeed. For some reason, the molecules in her hands were tingling and buzzing. She could feel the actual thoughts of the girls around her. Her vision was riddled with strange and beautiful colors that she could not register.

"Ah, so pretty…" Hermione reached into the air to touch one of the purple star bubbles that was floating past her nose. "They feel like… Like… Angels blew these bubbles!!"

Ginny stalked into the dormitory. "There you are, Hermione. You all right?"

Hermione replied in a singsong voice, "I'm forever blowing bubbles… Pretty bubbles… Angels blew the bubbles that look like stars and smell like… Cherry blossoms…"

Ginny just shook her head. "This is going to be a cracking long night," she muttered.

Part Four

In the middle of the night, Hermione found herself badly craving Taco Bell. Funny, she didn't even like Taco Bell's food on most days. But tonight, she needed it, and desperately.

She pulled out her wand, waved it at a plate and whispered "Cheesus Pleezus." Upon her plate landed a plethora of Taco Bell munchies, such as hard and soft tacos, burritos, a crunch-wrap supreme, and quesadillas, accompanied by tubs of Pepsi and Mountain Dew. She ate until she fell asleep again.

She began to dream of very strange, nightmarish things that terrified her. Surprisingly, she found herself absolutely, deathly afraid of marshmallows.

Part Five

Harry and Ron waited for Hermione's appearance in the common room. She was actually late, which amazed them both, considering the odds they had beaten in previous years while Hermione was never late to class. They watched her warily as she made her way through the throng of students chatting before breakfast was to begin, and realized how haggard she looked. She was clutching her stomach.

"I had such a strange night," Hermione told them as she approached. "The oddest dreams, I'm telling you. And now…" She trailed off, grimacing. Ron and Harry exchanged dubious looks.

They walked gingerly to the Great Hall for breakfast. Hermione sat down and lo and behold: A large green cloud of smelly smoke filled the hall.

"What on earth?" Hermione shrieked, startled out of her wits.

Another green cloud made an appearance, accompanied by a very loud squelching sound that seemed to come from the vicinity of Hermione's rear end. She realized it too, and then turned a very violent shade of red that quickly changed in its tones to purple.

The Great Hall emptied in record time. By the time everyone had left, the only ones left in the hall were Hermione, Ron, Harry, Ginny, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore.

"Miss Granger," Professor Dumbledore boomed from the head table. "Might I compliment you on the dulcet tones of your flatulence?"

Harry thought he was going to die laughing. Of course, he was stopped mid-giggle by another huge green cloud of smoke, the smell, the sound, and a load of pretty yellow canaries, all of which promptly died and went to pretty yellow canary heaven.

"Poor birdies," Ginny whimpered, her eyes watering.

"How do I fix this?" Hermione said, nearing tears.

"A simple visit to the hospital wing would suffice, I should think," Professor Dumbledore said kindly.

Professor Dumbledore gingerly guided Hermione out of the Great Hall, trailed by large clouds of smelly green smoke and some absolutely lovely red-and-yellow butterflies dropping to the ground.

"Ron…" Harry couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence that was hanging on the tip of his tongue.

"Yeah, Harry?" Ron was in the midst of laughter.

"Did you put the I Want Taco Bell Spell on those brownies?"

"Yeah… Brilliant, wasn't it?"


End file.
